Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world
population.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs
and blame it on the higher cost of living.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted.

She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the
"Juneflower."

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.